The burden of leadership
by LillyD11
Summary: oneshot set directly after 2x16 ;) Clarke wanders in the woods, her emotions catching up to her. She finds herself being much closer to the grounders camp than she'd thought she was


I don't really know how I feel about this one but decided to post it anyway and see what you guys thought. So, any feedback is much appreciated ! So I can try and do much better next time ;)

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Clarke walked away from Camp Jaha, her face ashen. She had no idea of where she was going to go. There was only one thing she was certain of: she needed to get out of there. She knew Bellamy would take care of their people. She knew her mum would too. She knew that they would be fine.

All of them.

She also knew that she wouldn't be able to face all of those who disagreed with her decision to irradiate level 5, consequently killing everyone unprotected from the radiation. She didn't have the strength to defend herself, to fight. Her people were safe, it was all that mattered.

She had lost so many pieces of herself since she'd landed on this planet that she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to simply be herself anymore. She had so much blood on her hands. She was drowning in it. Every time she closed her eyes, she could see the faces of all the people she had killed. The drop ship. Finn. Tondc. Mount Weather.

So she kept them open and walked. She wasn't really paying attention to where she was going. She didn't have anywhere to go. She hadn't really thought past her walking away from camp. Maybe she'd sleep in the bunker.

Finn.

No. Not the bunker.

She could go to the drop ship.

No.

To many deaths there too.

She would have to find somewhere else.

Focusing on finding a place to sleep later kept her mind off the things she didn't want to think about. For a while anyway. After an hour, she'd finally collapsed against a tree, tears streaming down her face. Her emotions were so strong at that moment that she couldn't even breathe properly. Air got sucked out of her lungs and her whole body shook under the pressure of her own emotions. She fisted her hands in her hair and struggled to find the strength to breathe some air in. After barely a few minutes, a fit of rage took her and she got up, punching the tree she'd been leaning against. Her knuckles started bleeding and she fell on her knees, this time facing the trunk, tears still pouring out of her eyes. She leant forward, pressing her forehead to the rough tree trunk as she slowly composed herself. Once she was pretty sure she had calmed down, she attempted to get back up but miserably failed as an image of Lexa's face filled her mind. _May we meet again_. The commander had abandoned her, effectively saving her people, leaving Clarke's behind to be slaughtered. Clarke had known from the start that Lexa's people would always come first. The brunette had told her in many different ways that love was weakness and that a leader had to be strong and capable of making the hard choices for their people's own good. Clarke knew, no, she _understood_ why Lexa had taken that deal. It didn't make it any easier though. She still felt betrayed. She should hate Lexa for it. But she didn't. Because she, too, was a leader and just like the commander had told her, she would have done exactly the same thing. It would have killed her because of how she felt towards Lexa, but she would have thought of her people first too. They couldn't afford to let their feelings for one another dictate them. Choices had to be made, yes, but with their heads. That's what Clarke had done when she'd irradiated level 5. She cried harder as she realised how much she had changed, how much the ground had transformed her. She'd never asked to be a leader, yet she'd been the one capable of making the necessary choices for her people.

After what seemed like hours, the tears finally stopped falling, simply because there weren't any left and she fell asleep, tiredness taking over.

She woke up screaming. The nightmares she'd just had told her she'd be having a really hard time sleeping in the next… forever. Birds flew away above her, surprised and unhappy to have been disturbed. Clarke put her face in her hands and slowly breathe in and out, catching her breath. When she reopened her eyes, she took a minute to look at her surroundings. There wasn't much daylight left. She was sitting by a tree and lots more of them were all around her. There was no path, no trail, nothing. Just wildlife. How had she ended up here? Where was she exactly? She cursed herself for not paying attention to where she was going. She didn't even remember which way she had come from.

She got up, he bruised knuckles stinging a little as she noticed the dried blood on them. Thankfully, she hadn't broken any bones. She let the incoming pain be her guide, focusing on it to keep herself from panicking. Panic wouldn't lead her anywhere. She needed to think. She looked at the ground very carefully, using the last of the daylight to look for her prints from earlier. There. She'd found them. She took the opposite direction and started walking again. It was going to be pitch black in less than an hour and since she hadn't brought a flashlight with her, she needed to find somewhere relatively safe quickly. She didn't dare think of lighting a fire. She had no idea what was lurking in the shadows and she didn't want animals (or grounders for that matter) to be able to see her from miles. So she walked for a while, searching for a place to spend the night.

She heard a crack on her left and spun around, scanning the shadows.

Her breath caught when a familiar face appeared from behind a particularly large tree.

Lexa.

Had she walked that close to the grounders camp? Had her feet taken her there without her even realising it?

She stared at the brunette, not knowing what to expect. She could see in the other woman's eyes how worried she was. Lexa was good at hiding her emotions, but right then and there, the veil in her eyes was gone. Her face was as impassive as ever, but her eyes spoke for her, the intensity of her emotions showing. They didn't say a word. They just stared at each other for what must have been 15 minutes. Clarke could read in Lexa's eyes that she knew her people had made it out of the mountain. She could see the relief of knowing Clarke was alive. She tried to show the green eyed woman that she knew, that she understood why she'd left with her eyes only, silently communicating back to her.

When Lexa took a step forward, Clarke sucked in some much needed air as she realised she'd barely been breathing this whole time. The brunette closed the distance separating her from the blond sky girl with a frown on her now warpaint-free face. She took Clarke's hands and brushed her thumbs across Clarke's knuckles, knowing perfectly well that the wounds hadn't come from the war.

Clarke couldn't bring herself to take her hands out of Lexa's as a wave of warmth spread through her entire body at the contact. Her skin burned with desire and she almost hated herself for it. After everything that had happened, after how she'd been left alone in front of that stupid door, after what she had to do to save her people, she should be hating the Grounder commander more than anything. She should blame her for what she'd had to do to bring her people home. But she knew it was wrong. She knew that, had they followed the plan, questions would have needed to be answered. What would they have done with the survivors? With the ones who couldn't get out of Mount Weather. Would they start going after both grounders and sky people again in the future?

The fact that they were now all dead solved a whole lot of problems. And Clarke hated herself even more for even thinking that. There had been children in there. And now there were dead. Murdered. By her.

"Lexa..." Clarke whispered her name so quietly that she wasn't sure she'd been heard.

"Yes." Green eyes stared at her, hands still gripping hers tightly.

They stood there a while longer, still unable to say a word, not knowing what were the right ones to say and who should speak first. So they just looked into the other's eyes.

As the night finally fell, Lexa found her voice.

"You shouldn't be out here Clarke."

The implied meaning lingered between them. Anyone could have found her. Now that the alliance was no more, any grounder could have come across her and killed her. Or a pauna could have too. Or whatever else was out there.

"I.. I don't have anywhere to go Lexa… I left" she dropped her gaze to the ground, staring at her feet, not able to look into the brunette's eyes any longer.

She felt one of her hands being freed and immediately missed the feel of Lexa's skin on hers. She was rewarded when the warm hand of the commander cupped her face, gently bringing the blue eyes back to her green ones. Clarke's body tingled all over.

"You can stay with me"

It had been barely a whisper, as if Lexa had been scared that she shouldn't have asked, after what she'd done. It was, in a way, asking for forgiveness without actually doing so directly.

Clarke looked at the woman's face, studying, memorising every bit of it, afraid that it was all just a dream and that something terrible was going to happen any second now, forcing her awake, screaming again. But nothing happened and so she slowly nodded, her face betraying how desperate she was. Lexa nodded in return and dropped her hands to her sides. She took one last look at the sky princess and turned around, walking back to camp. Clarke followed her after a few steps and they made their way to the entrance in utter silence.

When they finally reached it, Lexa gave orders in tridgesleng to the guards, never stopping her footsteps as she led Clarke to her tent. Once inside, Lexa made Clarke sit on a chair as she went to get some food for them. A few minutes later, they were both sat around the table, a plate full in front of them. Clarke had lost her appetite but her body begged her for energy and Lexa made it clear that if she wanted to stay, she had to eat at least a little. Silence filled the air yet again as the ate.

As soon as they had finished, Lexa looked at Clarke straight in the eyes.

"Do you want me to ask for a bedding to be made up for you in an empty tent?" and then she carefully avoided looking at her, probably afraid to show the princess what she really thought of the idea.

"Do you?" Clarke responded, her voice hoarse after not having said a word for so long.

Lexa slowly shook her head, almost imperceptibly. She must have noticed Clarke's eyes fluttering shut a bit longer that they should have because her face suddenly relaxed as she said:

"You need to rest. Come, I'll let you have my bed." she helped Clarke up and led her towards the said bed, sitting Clarke down on it.

She helped her take off some of her clothes so she would be more comfortable and gently laid her down, covering her with whatever animal's skin it was that served her as blanket.

She went to leave, but Clarke caught her wrist and pleaded with her eyes.

"Lexa.. Stay… Please?"

A light sparkled in the commander's eyes as she nodded, taking off some of her own clothes a she slipped in the bed beside Clarke.

The Sky girl turned around, holding her head up with her left hand, elbow on the bed to support the weight as she studied Lexa's face, looking for any hints as to what she was thinking.

Lexa was laying on her back, eyes looking up, hands on her stomach as she endured Clarke's scrutinising look.

"Thank you" Clarke said as she took one of Lexa's hands in hers "for letting me come here. For staying. For understanding..." her voice broke off at the last bit and she felt her eyes water. She fought back the tears, determined not to cry again, especially not in front of a grounder commander.

Lexa turned to face her and squeezed her hand. As Clarke dropped her head back on the bed, she came a little closer, bringing their forehead together.

"Anything for you, Clarke of the Sky"

Clarke could feel Lexa's hot breath on her cheek and the warmth that spread from there straight to her groin led her to her next action. She let go of Lexa's hand and caressed the woman's cheek as she brought their lips together. Where their first kiss had been slow and easy-going, this one as full of a desperate passion, both of them clinging to whatever feeling it brought them. Clarke gently sucked on Lexa's lower lip, biting it slightly. The grounder responded by giving her full access to her mouth, tangling their tongues in a battle for dominance. Hands started wandering lower, exploring the other's body, taking clothes off, lips only separating when oxygen was much needed and clothes needed to be taken off. They soon found themselves completely naked in each other's arms. They were both giving in to their feelings, despite what each of them thought of what it meant for them. It was a weakness they were willing to share, like so many other feelings they already knew the other felt and understood. Because they did understand each other so well. They had both been thrown into the leadership responsibilities and had had to make choices nobody else had had to. They both bore the burden of their decisions and knew what the other was going through.

They let those feeling pour into their kiss.

Lexa's hand found its way to Clarke's breast, cupping it, stroking her nipple so gently, sending shivers down the blue eyed girl's spine. The other hand went lower and lower until it rested on Clarke's thigh, drawing circles on it. Clarke did some exploring as well and soon found her way to her new lover's very wet folds. Lexa melted under her ministrations, moaning softly into Clarke's mouth. As she did so, the hand she had left on the sky girl's thigh moved up, brushing over Clarke's clit, forcing the blond to thrust her fingers harder in Lexa's womb. Pleasure spreading throughout her whole body, Lexa, inserted two fingers inside of Clarke to make it an even situation.

They made love to each other, bringing pleasure to their beloved, showing them how much they did care, the act surprisingly gentle. It was a way to remember that despite everything, they were still human and that gave them the right to be weak, to love and be loved, and appreciated the simple things in life.

The force of their orgasms pushed them to realise that if they allowed each other to be together, they could surmount anything. They were strong, they understood the burden they had to bare, they shared it, embraced it, and it didn't make them weak. It made them strong. Stronger than anything anyone could possibly throw at them. They would survive. For their people.

Upon finally seeing their love in a new and different light, they fell asleep tightly embraced, the nightmares leaving them be for one night, dreams replacing them for the first time in a very, very long time.


End file.
